The · life · of · the · freakish · penguin

Oh no! It's an update! ^_^

Classes start tomorrow.

I'm still in the process of moving stuff into my apartment and unpacking all of it. All I have left at home are some pictures, a nightstand, and some stuff under my bed and in my closet. My mom couldn't get me out fast enough. I didn't even have half of my stuff out before she was moving hers in. Whatever.

I'm tired and I'm not ready for school to start again. Meh.

It's my birthday.

The last Harry Potter comes out tonight.

I have the whole day off.

And I get cake ^_^

Come movie with me :)

Dude!

Course	Credits	Course Title	Grade
CSE 260	4	Discrete Structures Comp Sci	4.0
HA 210	3	Medieval Art	4.0
MTH 235	3	Differential Equations	4.0
PHY 232	3	Introductory Physics II	4.0
PHY 233B	2	Calculus Concepts Physics I	4.0
PSY 310	3	Psy & Bio of Human Sexuality	3.5

Semester GPA: 3.9166
Overall GPA: 3.5076

My overall GPA went up 2 points! Yay ^_^

Sometimes I feel like I've lost touch with the world. I'm so busy and the only person that really gets any of my free time is Rob. There are very important people to me that I haven't seen in over a month. School's almost out and I'm going to be working 2 jobs this summer, which means no fun and not enough friends. Next summer I won't even be home- I'll be staying in East Lansing (unless I get an internship elsewhere and I wind up across the country). I feel bad.

I swear I'm almost at my breaking point with everyone around me. I'm sick of work, school, friends, home. There's pretty much one thing that keeps me going and, despite the limit time I ever get to spend with him, that apparently gets in the way of everybody else.

Fuck work- I'm sick of all these assholes I work with. It's bad enough that I have to stay up half the fucking night to deal with drunks and dickwads, I don't need you to decide that you're special and don't actually have to come to work tonight. I need some kind of sleep too and I'd rather not have to get it by skipping classes because I was screwed into working your second half. It doesn't help that my boss is one of the most incompetent people that I met. This job is so stressful. The 2 things that keep me here are the fact that I need money and there are no other jobs that I would be able to work 25 hours a week and actually get some of my homework done.

Fuck thinking I should be here whenever you decide I should be- My life is at home, not here. You do not get to whine or make me feel like shit because I want to go home for one day to see my boyfriend that I have not seen in a week and a half. When I am here you don't go out of your way to spend time with me, why should I do the same? It's not like we can't hang out when the sun is still up. So I can't go out after 11 and I can't drink, what's the big fucking deal? There are plenty of other things to do. Also, when summer comes I'm going to be home from the last day of classes until the weekend before the first. I'm not listening to any selfish complaints. Period.

Fuck home- It's bad enough that most of the time I feel like I don't have a home. Sure, I can go to my house, but my family has become awkward toward me. I am a visitor now every time I go there. How is that a home? When I'm here I live in a single room that I share with someone that is still pretty much a stranger to me. My neighbors turn their music all the way up and keep their bass right next to our wall and refuse to turn it down when I ask them to, despite the fact that I haven't gotten any sleep for the past 30 hours. We have community bathrooms here and I can't sit on the seat to pee because there are puke splotches all over the fucking seat. The food in the caf is disgusting so when I do eat I'm eating cereal and I tend to only eat once a day. No fucking way is this place my home. So, when I'm not here or at my house I'm with Rob, and I've reached the conclusion that I'm not allowed to even feel comfortable there. I whisper, which is taken as yelling, I want a cup for water and I try to be quiet, but apparently I'm slamming cupboards, I need to pee and heaven forbid I have to flush the damn toilet. Anytime anybody else is in the room they radiate hostility. I feel unwelcome and it's shitty because I'm the only fucking one made to feel that way despite the fact that I couldn't fall asleep the night before because of all the stomping around and the fact that the activities upstairs made the doors rattle. Yes, I can tend to get loud when we're doing it, but I realized it and have quieted down a lot. I'm trying, but of course that doesn't fucking matter. If I'm keeping you up chances are I'm not loud enough to think that I could be keeping anyone up, so just fucking say something about it and the problem will be fixed. Definitely not my fucking home, that's for sure.

I'm sick of people who don't pull their weight and people who automatically assume I'm trying to make their lives worse by living mine. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I'm at the end of my leash and I still have 5 weeks of shit to put up with. If I don't find a place where I can be alone or just be myself without feeling like I'm some kind of intruder or that even breathing is going to piss someone off, I don't know what I'm going to do.

So spring break went well. I spent a week straight with Rob. It was great and just what we needed after 6 months of this barely seeing each other thing. I pretty much lived at his house over break. It's a weird situation. I don't feel comfortable in his house as far as a home goes. His brother is always overworked and hostile to everyone and his girlfriend always seems to follow suit. It's hard to feel at home in a place where you're scared that your every footstep is going to make someone blow up at you.

On the other hand, my house feels less and less like home lately. Not that my family doesn't love me or treat me like they always have, I just feel more like a visitor every time I'm there. It's probably because I haven't slept in my own bed in months and my room is currently being used as my mom's scrapbooking storage room.

Things with the boy are going well. Every day I'm with him I feel myself falling more and more. I love to look at him, smell him, sleep next to him. I'm fairly addicted to him and being away again is incredibly hard to do.

My one complaint is the fact that the boy does not know how to grow up. He's 25 years old but I have him beat in mental maturity by a few years. I found myself slipping into domestic mode over break. I was cooking and cleaning and all that fun jazz. He focused on his videogames. He manages to spend $200 more than he actually has in his bank account, which adds up to a couple hundred dollars in overdraft fees. This is only a month or so after finding one of his G.I. Bill checks (for $1000). I was under the impression he had saved most of it, but obviously not. My instinct is to mother him right now. I've been told not to, but I want him out of his horrible mess of debt and bad credit and it seems like the only way to do it is if I step in. The boy obviously can't manage his own money yet, and I'd rather not watch my boy starve to death because he has -$260 in his bank account and the only groceries he has are the cereal, eggs, bread, and milk that I bought him. I don't know, we'll see.

On the other hand, the sex is still great.

I hate it when I want to get someone a present and they go ruin it by buying it for themselves. Don't go on a shopping spree for yourself right before days when you know someone is going to buy you stuff.

There's nothing worse than going home, having an amazing weekend with the person you're head-over-heels in love with, and them leaving them with the knowledge that it will be another 2 weeks until you'll be together again. Every time I have to leave it hurts. Then I come back here- to my completely unfulfilling life. I go to class, work, do homework, sleep sometimes. I'm slowly becoming a recluse. I honestly dislike people more by the day. I'd much rather be at home waking up in the arms of the person that I know loves me.

Needless to say, I feel depressed today.

So exactly 10 months after my grandpa was diagnosed with cancer and only 8 months after he died my grandma is diagnosed.

So it's now the new year. I'm back at school. I'm sick of a lot of people and have realized that since I've started college I've made minimal good friends. I've lost plenty of them, though. I'm dating a boy that I love so completely, but still manages to forget that I am a human with feelings and when you hurt them I respond with much crying and yelling. Sometimes with violence. I find my self spending most of my time alone. I work all the time. The end of a break has made me depressed, actually having to do work has already worn me down, and I've already restarted the old fights with the boy. No wonder I cried on my way back here- I knew exactly how it was going to be. Heather is back at MSU, which makes me happy. Maybe we can manage to spend time together fairly often. It would be great for my dying morale. At least 2 of my classes don't bore me to sleep... out of 6. We'll see.

My resolution for the year: To become a stronger person, much like I was at the end of high school. To regain my confidence and stop wasting time with people that don't give a shit about anyone but themselves.

I had to take my laptop in to get fixed, so I'm not online much.

I got everything I wanted for Christmas (which was basically money for a bra and new running shoes). My big sis got me a sketch pad and charcoal pencils. I've been having fun drawing.

I bought my running shoes today.

I'm almost done with FFX.

That's about it.

A late Merry Christmas all.

Exams start tomorrow (or today now). Wish me luck.

LJ Friends Meme by coolerq

• You must tell 20 people about this game.
• Rob is the one that you love.
• Brad Pitt is one you like but can't work out.
• You care most about Anna.
• Amanda is the one who knows you very well.
• Kacie is your lucky star.
• Can You Feel the Love Tonight is the song that matches with Rob.
• Going Under is the song for Brad Pitt.
• The Reason is the song that tells you most about YOUR mind.
• and Fly Me to the Moon is the song telling you how you feel about life
Take this quiz


I think it worked pretty well.

I feel like shit. It's raining outside. That's how I feel. Horrible, muddy, grey, ugly, and wet. I had a horrible night. Had a fight. Max gave me a shot of rum to feel better. I was missing a pint of my blood, so it did help calm me down. Against all of the advice my friends had given me I gave in and called him trying to figure things out. All I got was "It's not a big deal, there's nothing to say." It pretty much made me feel like it's wrong to get upset when I'm offended. I know that's not true, but whatever. Max gave me half a shot of Nyquil to help me sleep. Even with that and the rum in my low blood supply it took me 2 hours to fall asleep.

It's my damn nerves. They make me dwell on things and get worked up and the only way to make it better is to confront things head-on, which is hard to do when the person upsetting you hangs up on you, ignores you, then tells you there's nothing to say because it's not a big deal. I want to handle things, not run away from them or pretend they don't exist.

And after the weekend I thought we were closer than ever...

I gave blood today. It was fun. I always enjoy giving blood. I had to sit there for about 45 minutes because I was gonna pass out. I ate free cookies and drank a lot of juice. :-)

I just voted for the first time ^_^

I love him and I trust him, I do. The thing is, no matter how much I know this I can't help but feel paranoid that I'm going to get hurt somehow. Maybe it's because for the first time I don't want to find a way out. I dunno.

My head is just such a mess sometimes.